Hope I don't piss anyone off, but this is a big deal to me and I want to reach as many people as I can. I have to make my stupidity pay off in some way, so maybe by standing up and showing everyone what happens when your stupid like me (and a lot of people are, in this way, now a days.) This is from my Blog and some of it was stream of thought writing so it is not real smooth, but it is real. READ AND TAKE HEAD. a life IS a terrible thing to waste.

~~~~~From the Blogs of the CRiTTER~~~~~>

~~~Worried - wish me luck...~~~

As many know, I am diabetic. My left eye has been getting out of focus for a few years now and I was starting to worry but now.....
....Now it looks like some veins in my eye have decided to pop a leak! I have what looks like a drop of blood, floating around inside my left eye, leaving a trail back to the fine line veins of my eye, which the Doctor I saw last night (if I remember correctly) said was most likely a retinal hemorrhage. I go to an eye Doctor today at 9:45AM (on a Saturday) so I think they might be a bit worried to rush me in like that, on a weekend.

So, while on the outside I seem totally cool and under control… Inside, I’M FREAKING OUT!!!! Mistress Mimsey is sick now too (stomach flu – I feel so sorry for her) so that is helping to keep me calm… I just keep telling myself, “She is sick and needs you to hold it together so you can ‘be there’ for her.” I think that is the only thing keeping a lid on me right now… I’m VERY touchy about my eyes, always have been. I’M SCARED, I’M WORRIED, AND I’M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT… but only on the inside, at least till after I see the eye Doctor.

I DRIVE FOR A LIVING AND BECAUSE I LOVE TO DRIVE… WHAT WILL I DO IF MY EYE GOES????

Calm thoughts…… calm thoughts…… I won’t worry till I have something real to worry about… for now I just don’t know… so… Wish me luck!

~~~New on the menu - LASER FRIED RETINA~~~

Well, it did turn out to be a retinal hemorrhage and my eyes it seems are all fucked up... not getting enough oxygen so it tried to grow some new veins, that are too weak and to small to do the job, but they do let in some blood, then they pop and leak into my eye. The cure for this??? can you guess??? KILL OFF THE RETINA!!!! so it won't need so much oxygen and it will stop making the new veins. Most of the retina is not really important anyway... it's just your night vision and peripheral vision (NOT VERY IMPORTANT MY ASS) so not a great loss. The important part is the macula (in the middle) it sees detail and color... these veins will cause it to swell and blur, as well.

So, they are going to shoot my retina full of holes with a laser out in the 'not so important' area, AND slow cook (also with a laser) the 'important' part.

I'm a pussy when it comes to things in my eyes... at eye tests; the air jet test and the blue ring test FREAK ME OUT! I cannot touch my eye. I cannot put drops in my eye. The Doctor put 7-9 different drops in my eyes then pressed a contact lens with a funnel like eye piece form him to look through, ON MY EYE and proceeded to zap me with the laser 12 low power zaps and I'm about to freak so we take and break and he says done with the low power stuff, time to turn this bad boy up a few notches... and the hum filled the room... strapped back in the chair, with the lens on my eyes again... he fires that thing off.... OMG!!!!

After 6 shots I freak out and rip myself out if the straps and stand up. I go back Wednesday. loaded with valium and vicodein and if I can't do it then we will give me a shot in the eye (YES A SHOT, WITH A NEEDLE- I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES) and then strap me down (real straps, not the Velcro I busted out of today) and drill me full of laser holes (ABOUT 1000 OF THEM and I freaked out after just 6?!?!?!?!?!)

After all that it's still a wait and see if it works kind of thing, and it's only about a 65% chance it will help, with a 10% chance it will make things worse.... THEN, after the blurring it WILL cause goes away in a few weeks, he wants to do my GOOD EYE!!!! He says it's bad too just not leaking yet... As Mistress Mimsey would say, "fuck fucking fuckity fucking fuckity fuck fuckers!!!"

Oh, and my little blood leak that was my original problem, they can't do anything about, it will or it won't go away in two weeks to two months. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

"Well life, thanks for nothing.... I DRIVE FOR A FUCKING LIVING!!!!"

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to just smash my head against the wall till my vision clears up, I want pity, but I do not deserve it. I did this to myself. I did not take care of my diabetics for about 10 years, for a long list of reasons, most of which are bullshit. I'm getting exactly what I deserve and now it's too late to fix it... NOW I WANT TO LIVE! I HAVE REASONS TO LIVE NOW!! and I was stupid and careless and now I will pay for it...

THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL WHO READ IT: IGNORE YOUR HEALTH AND IT WILL GO AWAY! YOU MAY NOT CARE NOW BUT SOME DAY YOU WILL. YOU WILL WANT TO BE HEALTHY, TO LIVE.... AND IT WILL BE TOO LATE.

oh my god, what have i done.....


Sat, August 13, 2005 - 5:40 PM